Blame
Coming to terms - Part 8 - blame, acceptance and forgiveness
25/09/08 18:47 Filed in: Psychology | Child Abuse
I want to say something about blame. I have used the word here in different contexts. I have never said, “I blamed my father”.
Blame is one of the most unhelpful phenomena I know.
I have written about it before:
“The guilt and blame games are played on such a wide-scale that it is hard not to be drawn into them. The notion of 'He did it me' is everywhere. We all know the feelings. They go 'we are in this bad place because of all these bad things you did to me. I hold you to blame for my difficulty.' Maybe this is defensiveness, maybe it is fear. But it is fear of responsibility that causes blame and true growth in intimacy can only thrive where there is an acceptance of responsibility for love's growth without blame.
Blame and assertiveness do not co-exist. Blame distorts, harms and even destroys. It is self-destructive as well as destructive of others.
So I hear the cynics say 'Blame is a natural human response to threat or injustice, to wrongdoing or loss.' I am sure that is true too. It is all too easy. But what I would ask the proponents of blame is 'When did you last solve a personal problem with blame?' 'When did blame last improve your life?' 'When I blamed what did it help me to understand anything about me or the other?' 'Where has blame helped you to achieve the outcome you wanted?”
I realised having worked through all the emotions associated with abuse and having emerged from the dark shadow it cast over my life, I needed to do more.
I had a very wise older friend, someone who had acted as a parent figure in my life since before university. She had been one of the co-founders of “the Samaritans” in the UK along with another remarkable man called Chad Varah. The Samaritans is a nationwide organisation set up to provide a lifeline for the suicidal and despairing. She was also a teacher and training therapist. I owe a lot of my recovery and healing to her. She was also the one to whom I turned every time I got into a problem with personal relationships. There were a lot of those. She was always there for me. I talked to her about the confrontation. She had said, “the only way you will truly get through this is to be able forgive him what he did to you.” She never used the “blame” word either.
I’m not totally sure about all aspects of forgiveness, even now. Nor am I sure it is right for everyone. Accepting that the abuse occurred and putting it all behind you once and for all may be the only resolution that makes sense and feels right. Deciding whether to forgive or accept is one’s own choice and no one else's.
I got through on a compromise. I was able to forgive my father as a perpetrator of child abuse, as a man suffering from a particular kind of sickness. I had to accept some of his particularly sadistic acts of violence.
But whether its forgiveness or acceptance, the point is that it is a transformational experience of one’s self. It’s not about condoning or rejoining a family in which one suffered. It’s a compassionate acknowledgement of what happened. For me it was an empathic step in recognising the sickness of my father, and a desire to leave bitterness, resentment, hurt and pain behind. The true compassion is that which extends to oneself. It is through finding that compassion that one is able to move towards a place of healing. The inner-work of forgiveness is, I believe, finding a place of true self-reconciliation.
I did go on to confront my father since I wanted an acknowledgement of the truth from him. I wanted him to see the truth of the pain he had caused me, but more importantly to see that he was still inflicting that pain on my mother.
Forgiveness and acceptance went on for a time well beyond the confrontation. It took months. Sometimes I can still become angry and frustrated when I realise that this age-old wound is affecting the way I behave now. The anger never lasts now. I always move on to a better place.
Blame is one of the most unhelpful phenomena I know.
I have written about it before:
“The guilt and blame games are played on such a wide-scale that it is hard not to be drawn into them. The notion of 'He did it me' is everywhere. We all know the feelings. They go 'we are in this bad place because of all these bad things you did to me. I hold you to blame for my difficulty.' Maybe this is defensiveness, maybe it is fear. But it is fear of responsibility that causes blame and true growth in intimacy can only thrive where there is an acceptance of responsibility for love's growth without blame.
Blame and assertiveness do not co-exist. Blame distorts, harms and even destroys. It is self-destructive as well as destructive of others.
So I hear the cynics say 'Blame is a natural human response to threat or injustice, to wrongdoing or loss.' I am sure that is true too. It is all too easy. But what I would ask the proponents of blame is 'When did you last solve a personal problem with blame?' 'When did blame last improve your life?' 'When I blamed what did it help me to understand anything about me or the other?' 'Where has blame helped you to achieve the outcome you wanted?”
I realised having worked through all the emotions associated with abuse and having emerged from the dark shadow it cast over my life, I needed to do more.
I had a very wise older friend, someone who had acted as a parent figure in my life since before university. She had been one of the co-founders of “the Samaritans” in the UK along with another remarkable man called Chad Varah. The Samaritans is a nationwide organisation set up to provide a lifeline for the suicidal and despairing. She was also a teacher and training therapist. I owe a lot of my recovery and healing to her. She was also the one to whom I turned every time I got into a problem with personal relationships. There were a lot of those. She was always there for me. I talked to her about the confrontation. She had said, “the only way you will truly get through this is to be able forgive him what he did to you.” She never used the “blame” word either.
I’m not totally sure about all aspects of forgiveness, even now. Nor am I sure it is right for everyone. Accepting that the abuse occurred and putting it all behind you once and for all may be the only resolution that makes sense and feels right. Deciding whether to forgive or accept is one’s own choice and no one else's.
I got through on a compromise. I was able to forgive my father as a perpetrator of child abuse, as a man suffering from a particular kind of sickness. I had to accept some of his particularly sadistic acts of violence.
But whether its forgiveness or acceptance, the point is that it is a transformational experience of one’s self. It’s not about condoning or rejoining a family in which one suffered. It’s a compassionate acknowledgement of what happened. For me it was an empathic step in recognising the sickness of my father, and a desire to leave bitterness, resentment, hurt and pain behind. The true compassion is that which extends to oneself. It is through finding that compassion that one is able to move towards a place of healing. The inner-work of forgiveness is, I believe, finding a place of true self-reconciliation.
I did go on to confront my father since I wanted an acknowledgement of the truth from him. I wanted him to see the truth of the pain he had caused me, but more importantly to see that he was still inflicting that pain on my mother.
Forgiveness and acceptance went on for a time well beyond the confrontation. It took months. Sometimes I can still become angry and frustrated when I realise that this age-old wound is affecting the way I behave now. The anger never lasts now. I always move on to a better place.
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