Originally I had intended to include here, a discussion of "why do love anyway?" and I believe that there are some good reasons why love might add to and benefit our lives, although I do appreciate that there is an ever-growing mass of statistical data about the prevailing unhappiness within love relationships and marriage.

My motivation for going on this journey was about discovering how to do a better sort of love (mainly for my own benefit). I believe that I have been partly successful in identifying some of the characteristics that may be found in loving, healthy, enduring and satisfying relationships and some of the pitfalls as well. Eventually I want to go on to think (and experience) more of what I have described as Companionate Consummate Giving Love as this type of love I find more attractive than any other. For me, it combines what I believe to be the most complete and most satisfying types of love (See making love relationships – Part 1).

I had also wanted to look at love as attachment and to the feelings of some that are expressed as deep-felt compelling needs within love relationships.

But my blogs seem to be getting longer and longer, and more and more difficult to read and take in. My last blog on making love relationships ran to almost three and a half thousand words. For me it was difficult even to proof read and I ended up rewriting it too. So I'm going to omit the discussions mentioned above and acknowledge that there are many other different types of love.

There is now a whole body of published work, by psychologists who have specialised in their (normally academic) careers, on types of love and love relationships. There are several common groupings of love types and styles. I suspect that in truth there is infinite variation, but there seem also to be a number that are recurrent and common-place, that constitute most of the prototypical types of love or love styles in western society. I have already stated my own love preference, but for the sake of completeness, I have summarised some of the more common variant love types and styles described by psychologists here. These, of course, are in addition to and distinct from “companionate consummate giving love” about which I wrote in "Making love relationships – part 1".


Storge

The constructed type of storgic love is characterised by rapport, self-revelation, interdependency, and mutual need fulfilment.

Storgic lovers are essentially good friends who have grown in intimacy through close association, with an unquestioned assumption that their relationship will be permanent and that they will find a way to deal with their problems that causes them minimum pain. A storgic lover does not fantasise finding some other, perhaps unknown but ideal, lover in the future and abandoning the storgic partner. It never occurs to extreme storgic types that a romantic 'knight on a white horse" or "femme fatale" will appear at some future time to solve their problems. It is more likely that even if this should occur to the storgic lover, he/she would need the storgic partner around to discuss the romantic lover, to give advice, and to share the joys of discovery.

The storgic lover is not a person bored by routine home activity, but is more likely to find it comfortable and relaxing. Storgic lovers are not constantly on the search for new love experiences; rather they enjoy the security of being able to predict each other's responses to their behaviours.

If storgic lovers should break up, they would probably remain close and caring friends, perhaps continue corresponding with one another and actively caring about one another.

Physical intimacy, coitus, and the appreciation of their partners as sexual persons usually come relatively late in a storgic relationship, are accepted comfortably and joyously when they do appear on the scene, and are thus satisfying. Pure storgic types are extremely unlikely to "keep an eye out" for new or more romantic partners.

Temporary separations are not great problems to storgic lovers. Their mutual trust is such that separations are viewed as necessary inconveniences, needed diversions or opportunities for personal growth that will either improve or at least not damage their relationship.

The storgic lover does not "fall in love" in the way that other types of lovers do. The storgic type is more likely to recognise that he/she has been in love for some time without realising it earlier. As a result, anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's day and the like occasions are not important to them and may even be forgotten or overshadowed by other matters.

In many ways storgic lovers resemble siblings in their understanding of the love relationship. If they fight and argue, it is not an indication that they do no love each other. They are likely to feel that when their love has matured it will be permanent and that they cannot replace their relationship with each other any more than they can replace those that they have with siblings or with parents.

Agape

An agapic lover is forgiving. This kind of love typically assumes that when the loved one causes pain to himself or herself or to someone else, that he or she is acting in ignorance, innocent error, or is the victim of forces not originating in the love -object's personality.

A male agapic lover might, for example, help his female love object arrange an abortion if she became pregnant by someone else during their love affair. Or he might easily love and accept a child conceived by some other man with deep concern for the anguish caused to his loved one and with tender affection for the child. An agapic lover would be more likely to help his or her love object to get medical attention for a venereal disease contracted from someone else during their love affair than to be angry or punitive towards the love object for having a sexual relationship with another.

Agapic persons never "fall in love." Their love for others is always available and they are simply given the opportunity by some of their love objects to show their love to a greater extent than they are by others. An agapic lover cares enough about his/her love object's happiness to understand and give up the loved one if that would seem to give him or her a greater chance for happiness elsewhere.

An agapic lover is patient with the behaviours of his or her love object to an extent that seems to border on masochism. The ideal agapic lover would wait indefinitely for a love object to be released from prison or from a mental hospital, would tolerate the behaviours of an alcoholic or drug-addicted spouse, and would be willing to live with a partner who was engaging in illegal or immoral activities, even though he/she personally disapproved of such behaviours. The agapic lover is always supportive of his/her partner.

Agapic love may be most stable when both partners are agapic. The problems that may arise might involve the obvious drawbacks of self-sacrifice and self-denial. It has the benefits of altruism and giving. A major issue for agapic lovers may also arise if the giving and receiving goes strongly out of balance that seems to be a strong possibility.

Mania

This type of love is obsessed, uncontrolled, dependent and intense in every respect.

The constructed ideal of this type of lover is obsessed with his or her love object. A manic lover may be unable to sleep, eat, or even think logically around the loved one. The manic lover has peaks of excitement, but also depths of depression, with very few periods without a high or low.

This type of lover is jealous to an extent that might be described as irrational. A manic lover cannot tolerate loss of contact with a love object, even for short periods of time, and is distressed by a lack of the lover's presence or anticipated interaction. A manic lover is typically crushed by real or fancied rejection, possibly to the point of suicidal ideation.

The manic lover often try to manipulate the behaviours or feelings of the loved one, but because he or she seems to be bereft of logic, often succeeds only in looking foolish in his or her own eyes. For example, a manic lover may tell their loved one that they should spend a few days apart to think objectively about their relationship, and then go into a state of panic because the partner cannot be located during that period. Manic lovers tend not to tolerate separation well. During periods of separation, the manic lover may experience high levels of anxiety that they may project back onto their loved one holding them responsible or to blame for the anxious discomfort they are feeling. Frequently this will push the relationship into crisis that in the manic lover's view will have been caused by the behaviour of the other rather than by their own anxiety.

The manic lover has a tendency to review his or her abortive love affairs and speculate about what when wrong that terminated them. They will commonly extend this practice to reviewing the past love affairs of their partners in the same way.

Manic lovers frequently have sexual problems as well as problems in handling other forms of intimate interaction. Because of their high level or anxiety, manic lovers might be expected to have problems related to anxiety, such as vaginismus, difficulties in attaining orgasm or premature ejaculation.

Mania is probably associated with low self-esteem and a poor self-concept. Because of this, manic persons are typically not attractive to persons who have good self-concepts and high self-esteem. They become burdensome to more self-sufficient others. If they are rejected by them, their anxieties intensify, making them even less attractive.

It is possible to confuse a manic lover with an erotic lover in the early stages of a relationship since the manic lover will be intensely sexual and romantic. What distinguishes the manic lover is one's experience of them; relationships are like a roller-coaster. They soar up then crash down again frequently within very short time cycles.

Mania is intense, frequently alternating between ecstasy and agony or joy and tragedy. Manic love, when strongly felt, invariably does not end well and is not likely to support the development or maintenance of any long-term stable relationship.

Pragma

The ideal constructed type identified as pragma is that of a person who is unable to invest love in "unworthy" love objects.

With this style, love is a shopping list of attributes. Pragma lovers are often more concerned with structural issues such as wealth, home and lifestyles rather than giving full consideration to their partner as a loving, feeling person.

The pragmatic lover is keenly aware of the comparison level for alternatives that he or she has. Pragmatic lovers are inclined to look realistically a their own assets, decide on their "market value" and set off to get the best possible "deal" in their partners. Once the "deal" is made, the pragmatic lover remains loyal and faithful and defines his or her status as "in love" because the loved one is a "good bargain." Should the assets of either partner change, the pragmatic lover may feel her or his contract has been violated, and may begin to search for another partner.

A pragmatic lover typically assists the loved one to fulfil his or her potentials; for example, such a lover might make sure the love object finishes school, asks for deserved promotions, gets the attention or that he or she "deserves" from physicians, stockbrokers, or employers.

Typically, a pragmatic lover maximises his or her own assets before "putting them on the market." A male pragma may decide not to become involved with any females until he has £500,000 in the bank, or has gone through psychoanalysis, or has a secure job, or has assured himself by reading enough or consulting experts to be sure he is sexually skilful, or the like. A sterile or impotent pragmatic lover may deliberately seek out a widow or widower with children if he or she wants a family.

Once a prospect is in sight, the prototypical pragmatic lover might check out future in-laws and friends systematically, find out if the couple's rhesus blood factors are compatible, and obtain assurance that there is a minimal probability of hereditary defects showing up in their mutual children and so forth.

Pragmatic persons break up or divorce or stay married for practical reasons. Divorce may actually be planned for some future date. For example, pragmatic partners may decide to finish school, to get a different job at another location, to put their youngest child through high school, or to reach some other such goal or state before they get divorced.

Pragma always looks at things in context and know his or her basic values, scaling everything by them. (e.g. if sex life is mediocre, pragma may consult a sex counsellor, but is more likely to assign sexual activity a low value in his or her value system and simply accept its mediocrity. "After all, he is a good provider, and being orgasmic isn't all that important." "She is a good mother, and I can get by on coitus once a week without getting too tense.")

While other types may have spontaneous orgasms or masturbate just from thoughts of the beloved, pragma probably learns to recognise sexual tension and relieve it when necessary for sleep or comfort (if sex is not devalued).

Pragma thinks ahead about family size (an probably even about what sex the children will be). If pragma is a schoolteacher, he or she may plan an October/November conception so the baby will arrive during vacation.

Ludus

The ideal constructed type of a ludic lover is that of a person who 'plays' love affairs as he or she plays games or puzzles — to win, to get the greatest rewards for the least cost.

A ludic lover hates dependency, either in himself/herself or in others. This type shies away from commitment of any sort (does not like lovers to take him or her for granted). The ludic lover enjoys strategies, and may keep two or three or even four lovers "on the string" at one time. A ludic lover may even create a fictional lover to discourage a real one's hopes for a permanent relationship. He or she avoids long range plans, is careful not to date the same person often enough to create the illusion of a stable relationship. A ludic lover would rather find a new sex partner than to work out sexual problems with an old one. And yet, he or she may suddenly show up for a replay, even years later, with birthday flowers, a bottle of a favourite wine, a sentimental Valentine, or a record of a favourite song, and vanish just as suddenly. A ludic lover usually enjoys love affairs, and hence rarely regrets them unless the threat of commitment or dependency becomes too great.

Dates with a ludic person are never dull, even though they may not happen with great regularity. He or she is never possessive or jealous. The ludic lover usually has good self-esteem and usually is assured of current success in love as well as most other areas. Unlike a pragmatic lover, a ludic lover never reveals all of himself or herself nor demands such revelation by partners.

Ludic lovers are not likely to be very sophisticated sexually. As a rule, they have only one sexual routine; if the sex partner is not pleased by the ludic lover's sexual pattern, then the ludic one simply finds another partner rather than attempting to improve an unsatisfying relationship. If she does not like his sexual behaviour, the ludic man moves on to someone who does; if he does not get an erection or bring her to orgasm on his own (with no help for her) the ludic woman looks for a man who will.

Sex is self-centred and may be exploitative rather than symbolic of a relationship. A ludic lover does not listen to (or take time for) "feedback" that suggests commitment, which is "scary." A ludic lover may not even want to be his or her partner's best sex partner because that might necessitate commitment or dependency that would be "awful." Physical appearance of the partner is less important than other qualities, such as self-sufficiency and lack of demanding behaviour, to ludic persons.

Ludic lovers within relationships may be intensely competitive. Everything is a game and winning the game is very important to them. Game-playing might extend to normal domestic activities such as competing over who takes the "best" telephone messages. With every winner there must be a loser and being a loser all the time is not sustaining emotionally. For this and other reasons, relationships with ludic persons, whilst they might be enjoyable and fun in the short term are unlikely to be enduring.

Acknowledgements

Universities of Yale, Illinois, Chicago and the College of Liberal Arts, CA, and Sternberg, Weis et al (2006) and Sternberg, Barnes et al (1988).

Tags: Psychology of Love, Love, Other types of love, Agape, Storge, Ludus, Pragma, Mania